what happens?
first off, let me get out what i know. i know that i'll be an outcast. i've lost the trust of the 2007-08 quad. i can no longer count on any of them for seemingly anything. i'm sure if i look gar bear in the eyes, he'll threaten to 'do it again - but this time, make sure its done right'. everyone in the wing will seemingly side with my opposition (for a myriad of reasons). first off, i had been a dick to some of them. secondly, quite a few of them either didn't know any of us (and thus would go with the status quo) or avoid conflict, and thus would just try to stay out of it. almost the rest of 05 would be behind sadi, because he has now has the curly frye, and mems, who represent their separate factions. no doubt they've been able to turn the rest of 05 (and perhaps the campus) against me during my absence, and for good reason: they speak well, and i've been a douche at certain inopportune times. or, perhaps, its better to say that my escapades are well documented. regardless, the main point that i'm trying to convey is that my allies will be few and far between. i could probably only truly count on ten people, and only in private.
i probably had people that would associate with me in public, but nothing like before that fateful day, 11/20. generally speaking, my senior year was filled with people saying kind things to me, then expressing their true feelings behind my back. now, i doubt i'd get such pleasantries.
girls? few and far between. what girl should i have pursued? some random sophomore fling? tried to rekindle something that i used to have? perhaps pursue a girl from junior year? quite the topic of discussion, and yet none of it would have sufficed. i was a shell of my former self, and would really not bring a quality personality for a good time. ideally, i'd have something figured out by prom, but it likely would be some girl i knew decently well that was probably younger than me, hopefully cute, ideally a good dancer, and someone that could take my mind off it all. seemingly unlikely, but possible
but really, what would i do? now that the cats out of the bag, and its okay to hate me, i doubt it'd be as easy to traverse campus knowing that i had eyes on my back. i'd be the kid that got kicked out; the sophomores would either be intimidated or think i'm some kind of monster. i dont that anyone who had extended exposure to me before the incident would ever take anything i did without remembering what i was known for.
the only way i could see myself breaking free of everything that i've previously mentioned would be to return to my roots. long ago, before hate and misfortune hath changed me, i was a nice kid. if i were to return to imsa and be the nicest kid i could be, perhaps i'd make something of my second semester senior year. this thought crossed my mind so many times, and so many times i knew it was what i was going to do.
every time i brought it back, however, i realized that there was one essential flaw to it: i hated those two backstabbing, lying, manipulative sons of bitches. they both lied to my face, foregave literally everything we had ever done together (and for each other), for some sort of comfort; one wanted me out of the room, and the other didn't want to be replaced in the quad. such petty differences yielded such great misfortune for me. i would have gladly moved to 01 and never strayed into 05 if it meant i could have stayed at imsa. alas, i knew that being nice, being myself once again, would be conditional, and eventually i would break. people from the start would presume that it was but a facade, and their thoughts would be confirmed after i had had enough of the two of them. in a perfect situation, we would never run into each other, and i could be what i wanted to be.
thus, even had i been requested to remove my tender for a withdrawal from the academy, im not sure i would have taken it, because i really didnt know what was left for me there, if anything.
although i still wish, to this day, that i had ms. cain for modern theater that last semester
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